The other side of the Rainbow...

This blog entry came to me in the middle of the night, as most of my good writing does lol. My brain is like an unborn baby- it does not care if it is 3am and it should be sleeping now, it is on it's own schedule lol. I actually thought about it after sending a reply to Natalie who commented on one of my blogs. I wished her a wonderful journey in finding her own personal pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; it was after reading her wonderfully written blog on Magenta. Yep, in the middle of the night, I was thinking for rainbows with magenta rays lol.

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How many times have we found ourselves on the edge of a cliff?  And I dont mean a literal one, but a metaphorical one....in our mind.  Where we are faced with the deciscion to either jump and pray we develop our wings on the way down, or we can go back to where we came from... the same place that drove us to the cliff in the first place. I often find myself at this cliff. Different things bring people to this cliff. It can be a person who you just cant let go of, even though you know they are no good for you, it can be a job thats leading you nowhere but you love the comfort and security of having a schedule; knowing your life is planned out from 9am-5pm. It can even be a bad habit.  An OLD bad habit of mine would bring me comfort when I did it- to actually see my pain, even though it was destructive to my health. And breaking that bad habit would mean having to find other ways to cope with my depression...which seems so insignificant compared to the cliff I am on the edge of now- coming to terms with my own Divinity.

What a smack of reality the awakening process is! The road to enlightenment seems to find pleasure in denying its travelers some water to swallow this HUGE pill with. I know life is a conscious choice. We choose our reality. One of my teachers for my path to enlightenment wrote a blog on the spiritual meanings of the movie "The Matrix". I am totally at the point where Neo is being presented with the red and blue pill to choose.

I want to jump...embrace my Divinity, all of my past lives, and my inevitable powerful future existence. But there is still a part of me that wants to just take the blue pill and return to my safe, unchallenged life. I look around me and I see other people on the cliff with me... looking down anxiously, testing the wind with their finger- even stretching as if to get a running start in hopes they have enough momentum behind them to keep them afloat if but a few seconds. I see their souls excitingly pulsating and flashing in their Heart- as if trying to rev their internal engine to get them to jump....to break the pattern and behavior that sends them to this cliff every time. I also see those who look to be struggling to find the strength. I hear them thinking, "there has to be a better way, I can change the situation that led me here,"  and every time they walk away to give it another try, and every time they end up running right back to the cliff.

For me, I think I am scared of something new. Learning, and growing and developing, which will all happen once I start moving towards the future.  I find comfort in believing some things will never change- players will be players, assholes will never care, and I have no control over my life. Unfortunately with that, I KNOW it isn't true. Charles, one of my "awakening coaches" told me that I have the power inside me to make ANYTHING possible. He used Mathew 17:20 where Jesus talks about having faith like a mustard seed to describe the power within me. He said it is not good enough to believe- when you believe, all you are is convinced until the next biggest thing comes along and you believe that instead.You believe you have power, when in all reality, all you have is belief- not power. You can be easily swayed when you believe something. This is where doubt comes in, and doubt is the ego trying to keep you as human and undivine as possible. When you KNOW something, you POSSESS it. And there in lies your power.

What will it take to.... not "send me over the edge",  but for me to willingly jump, embrace my future and develop wings on my way down? Why do I seem to attract the same people, the same situations- the same everything? I look in the sky and see people who were once on the edge of the cliff, gracefully gliding in the air. The same people who were once thinking, "I wonder what it would be like to finally meet a 'good man' who has the same morals, beliefs and values as me", right before they jumped. Or "it would be nice to have a CAREER where I not only have financial security but I am happy with what I'm doing and making a difference and improving lives", and then they flew. Or "it would be nice to have a friend to kick it with on those lonely nights...that isn't afraid to tell me they have other plans or just doesn't wanna do anything instead of standing me up", and then they sprouted wings and took flight.

What awaits me at the bottom of the cliff, I dont know. Im finding my way back to happiness again, though I dont really know what I'm gonna do when I get there. So I take a deep breath and hold on tight, spread my arms as the wings begin to form, spin around one more time and elegantly fall back into the depths of grace...